Many of us have experienced periods of stress, depression, or tragedy in our lives. As moms (and wives) even though our hearts might be strained or breaking the basics still need to get done. Clothes need washed, meals need to be cooked. My friend Dana has experienced this first-hand over the past several months. In December her precious son Tiggy passed away after a tragic accident. In this guest post she shares how to get the basics done even when your heart isn’t in it.
Housekeeping When Your Heart Isn’t In It
After my son died, my world was thrown into chaos. I felt as if I had been cast overboard in storm tossed seas and it was all I could do to keep my head above water. For the first week, the children only ate because someone was there to feed them. The meals our community filled our freezer with lasted a little over a month, my husband went back to work and suddenly I found myself alone, wading through unimaginable grief and trying to manage a household with five surviving children.
But there were still days when it felt like no small victory to just get out of bed and face the day. Wading through the toys and clothing strewn through the house and pushing last night’s dinner dishes to the side so I could feed children in Tupperware containers since all the bowls were dirty added to the stress.
The biggest obstacle I faced was that I really didn’t care. I was too consumed by grief to worry over laundry and dishes and clutter taking over the house. Nevermind the dusting and the windows and all that stuff under the couch.
Still, if you don’t do laundry, there will be nothing to wear. And if you don’t do the dishes, there will be nothing to eat on.
When I looked at the mess, I felt helpless before it because I was completely overwhelmed. I didn’t know where to even begin. I would shuffle things about, snap at the children and move around a lot without getting much done. Something had to change. That’s when I decided to put our entire household chore list on index cards.
On good days, it helped me stay on top of our household chores. On bad days, it helped keep the clutter from ruling our house. It restored order to our home and the best part was that the children enthusiastically embraced the new system so I got more help and less whining about daily chores.
Materials needed:
- Colored index cards (enough colors for each room in the house)
- Dividers (You can make these by turning cards on their side and cutting them)
- A file box to store them in
Setting up:
- Choose a color for each room.
- Write down every chore that needs to be done in each room. Try to keep each task to five minutes or less.
- Sort the cards into daily, weekly and monthly tasks.
- File the sorted cards in the card box.
Procedure:
Whenever you need to clean a room, pull out the daily cards for the room, shuffle and have everyone draw a card. When the task is completed, return the card to the back of that section. We generally did weekly and monthly tasks together and I would just draw one of each.
My children loved it because the tasks were short and I wasn’t directing them. Sometimes they got harder things to do but sometimes they drew a card for a job that didn’t need to be done so they got to take a break. They flew through chores and raced back to hand me their cards and trade it for another one. It helped me because I no longer stressed about everything that needed to be done, nor got lost deciding where to start.
All I needed to worry about was what was written on the card I drew out. And when the mess starts to grow and I feel myself getting anxious, I can have everyone draw one card, do one chore and a sense of order is restored even if the entire house isn’t always cleaned.
The intent was to go through the daily section once a day, and draw out two extra cards a day to keep on top of the weekly and monthly chores. We weren’t always able to keep up with that.
In fact, I still frequently fall behind on laundry and my house is rarely completely clean and ready to entertain guests. There’s currently toothpaste on the mirror in the bathroom, and none of the beds are made. However, the stress is gone and I’m not embarrassed by the mess should someone stop by. The children are helping more than they ever have and I still only have to worry about doing what is on the card I draw from the stack.
Dana Hanley writes about life more abundantly, from the joy of a baby’s smile to the almost unbearable grief of losing a son and seeking each day to find beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3) at Roscommon Acres and is raising money for Tiggy’s House, a children’s home with Tiny Hands International in her son’s memory.
diane says
Dana, first please let me tell you how terribly sorry I am for your loss. And thank you for working through this darkness to create this beautiful article.
thank you for this wonderful article and I want you to know that you have inspired me to start this system!
I also <3 the quote from Isaiah. I believe that the very best bible verses are from Isaiah! I wanted to share with you the catholic bible version, from http://www.usccb.org, because I think some of the word choices are slightly different and also beautiful:
Isaiah 61:3
To place on those who mourn in Zion a diadem instead of ashes, To give them oil of gladness in place of mourning, a glorious mantle instead of a listless spirit. They will be called oaks of justice, planted by the LORD to show his glory.
Erica says
I love that version! Thanks for the inspiration.
Dana says
Thank you, Diane! I hope it works for you, as well. Just taking the decisions out of cleaning and helping me not have to think beyond what I’m working on right now helped a lot.
I like that version, as well. Very beautiful. God bless.
amber @ classic housewife says
Oh, Dana, I nearly felt like I couldn’t breathe, FOR YOU, while reading this. But the chore box is a brilliant idea. In itself, and especially during times of stress and depression. Focusing on one thing at a time is the best way to get through the fog of depression, and a great tip even when things are just too stressful for whatever reason. Blessings~
Dana says
Thank you, Amber. 🙂
Kathy Wright says
I’m impressed that you were able to come up with such a practical and helpful article. May the Lord bless and keep you and your precious family as you all carry on with daily life as the Lord gives to you. Thank you for sharing this wisdom & insight with us!
Dana says
Thank you, Kathy. I think writing has been my balm, so to speak. Right after it happened, I wanted to delete everything because none of it mattered and I just wanted to be left alone. My husband encouraged me not to and to try to write just a little bit. I think he knew I would need to.
Lyn says
Dana, Thank you for sharing. Your ideas and organization are inspiring. Often as I read your descriptions, it felt as if you had read my mind. I feel I am just beginning to get my house back in order, my family organized, and my head out of a fog. When my husband died suddenly 2 1/2 years ago, my housekeeping took a nose dive(I was far from being the perfect housekeeper before). As you stated, I just did not care. Also, I struggled to make decisions, which included mundane ones like planning meals and prioritizing tasks. The cards seem a helpful way to stay focused and be able to begin and follow through to complete tasks.~~abundant grace & peace to you
Dana says
Oh, Lyn, I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I was never a master housekeeper, either. I can’t believe how hard it can be to make simple decisions. We kept running out of things because the kids would ask for them (like a glass of milk) and I had no ability to think through whether we even had enough for other things I needed until I went shopping again.
Lauren says
WOW…I had to go over to her blog and read it. I’ve been bawling like a baby for about 20 minutes. What a difficult thing to go through…and even worse with having to put on your best face and be their for your other children’s emotional needs.
Dana says
Lauren, it is hard, but having to keep going for the other children is helpful, too. Sometimes it is hard just answering the same questions over and over and over, but I think our ongoing conversations have been healing for everyone.
Jenni says
I am so very sorry for your loss… My first is just 5 weeks old and I can’t imagine losing her. I am so glad we have a Savior that is the Prince of Peace and hope He continues to sustain you.
My mom used an index card system very similar to this as I was growing up. We enjoyed it as well. As children, we would race to see who could get their cards done first. 🙂
Dana says
Thank you, Jenni. Enjoy that little bundle. I feel bad for my youngest (just 6 weeks old when the accident happened) because so much of his life has been dominated by this. But he has been a huge comfort as well since the needs of a baby can’t be put on hold and I had to pull myself out of the fog a little to take care of him. His smile can always make me smile, even if through tears.
And it is amazing how much will get done if you throw in a little competition. And how competitive they will be all on their own.
John Murdock says
wow, touching, this article really motivating me and of course my family. Big thanks for your share.
Alina Joy says
I LOVE this chore system! Will definitely be trying it out! Thanks for posting it!
Personally, I agree with you… Laundry used to be a dreaded chore at my house too! But I have a friend who has 6 children and never has any dirty laundry. I asked her to write about her laundry system and she posted it here. Now I am almost always caught up on laundry and I even kinda-sorta enjoy it! Here’s the link, hope it helps!
http://goodolddaysfarm.blogspot.com/2011/03/laundry-system-that-works.html
Lisa says
Every word you said I can relate to. I also lost a child. She was almost 5 and would have been 8 last month. My surviving children didn’t only lose a sister, but also lost their mother, temporarily. By God’s grace and the tireless prayers of others, I was able to find my way back to being me, again…a re-defined me, but me, none the less. God bless… 🙂
Molly says
Thank you. I haven’t finished reading the article yet. I felt compelled to stop and write this. In your grief, and while yoir children were grieving, you snapped at them. THANK YOU. Thank you for saying this. Thank you for being so open amd honest about grief and motherhood. I am a Mom of 3 kids under 13, and I lost my brother recently. I too have snapped at my children, who lost thier Uncle. I have suffered so much guilt over this. Thank you, for being strong, for being honest. Thank you for the strength to write this artivle and to help othera. Thank you for your bravery, through your raw honesty.