So my site broke this weekend. When I first started blogging and my site broke I would freak out. I would spend hours on my computer and on the phone with the hosting company trying to get it fixed.
Maybe I’ve grown up, or maybe I’m just apathetic but I just rode it out today. And when it finally started working again all the content from the last week was gone. Forever.
The first think I thought of was the deployment series. I did not want to lose these posts. The rest of it I could live without, but not my little online diary.
I was able to find most of the old posts through the daily emails so most of them are back up, but all the comments are gone. 🙁
Deployment day 66 is totally gone since my site crashed while it was saved but not published.
It’s probably a good thing because it was basically a pity party!
Today is my birthday. As far as birthday’s go, I’ve had better, but I’ve also had worse. I really just wanted the day to be over as soon as possible.
Things are not even that bad, I mean there is a bunch of little crap, but nothing terrible. We have a house, food on the table, the kids like each other, we finished cleaning out the playroom today and only found two rotting bananas, things are good.
But throughout the day I kept getting those Facebook notifications whenever someone wished me a happy birthday. You know, where people say things like hope you had an amazing day, hope you had fun, you deserve a day off….
All the stuff I write on people’s walls when it’s their birthday.
Except my day wasn’t amazing. It was crummy. I didn’t enjoy it, get a break, or sleep in. It was just like every other day, except because I wanted it to be something better I spent the day frustrated that it was just like every other day.
Ahh, expectations. Being as old as I am now I should know better. I’ve had more bad birthdays than good- but yet every year I expect something better, not spectacular, just different.
It made me think about how I treat people on their birthday. Do I really care if they had a good day? What have I done to make their day different?
Usually it is nothing. That needs to change.
Don’t get me wrong. I really love all the Facebook birthday messages. I love reading them, they put a smile on my face. But it just didn’t seem right, not this year.
I’ve spent many birthdays with just me and kids so I’m not sure if it is the deployment or maybe I just don’t want to get any older.
I actually feel bad for feeling bad. Isn’t that ridiculous?
I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
My husband has been deployed to the Middle East for 274 days. These are my real thoughts expressing my heart during his absence. I appreciate your prayers and kind words as we cope, adapt, and carry on without him until August 2014. To read from the beginning, click here.
Cindy A. says
Someone (wonder who?) gave me this good advice “Lower your expectations.” Praying hat your year will get better.
Terese says
I understand the feeling. Christmas was just another day for me, a very hard day. My husband died suddenly on Thanksgiving Day (4 weeks before Christmas) in the car as we were driving to my parents house 400 miles away. He left me no life insurance and I can’t collect his Social Security checks for 10 more years, when I turn 60. I will probably lose the farm (we have a 30-acre berry and free range chicken farm). The economy is very depressed where I live (SE Ohio) and I have only managed to find a part-time job. But my sister, who lives in Florida, sent me a Joel Osteen book on CD and I’ve been listening to it. I now know God has a plan for my life and he can shift things around for me, more abundantly than I can ever imagine.
Cindy A. says
“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.
I know your heart is broken but God will give you the strength to get through this difficult time.
This was the first year without my Mother. It was very difficult knowing I will never be able to share my life with her. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Keep friends and family close by.
Letitia says
Happy belated birthday.
Thank you for sharing your realities. I’m a divorced mom of 1 and it’s very difficult. I can not imagine more. I pray for you and your strength.I KNOW you need it. I pray for your joy, which has to feel lost a little more often. And I pray for you more miracles, because you need them.
Peace to you
Bella says
I am from a country where bday are not celebrated, now where I live people do. It’s ok for kids but has a adult really why ?
You could just decide not to celebrate, we got rid of new year, that was always a let down. Now we give picnic and beach party because we fell like it when we feel like it.
Or you could ask you’re girlfriends to come over and help you do a total house cleaning party, loud music, drinks and food. I have given those a few time and every body had lots of fun. We dress up like old fashion maids and cleaning lady. You don’t have to do that, but there are lots of way to spend a day.
Eating every meal in bed, and then was the sheets is also always a hit in this crazy family.
Rachel says
Just a thought you made me think of–of course we all imagine everyone else has the perfect birthdays we wish for! 🙂 so that being said for all the Facebook wishes, maybe it would be more meaningful to remember a good/happy/funny/silly/deep moment with said FB birthday person & post it briefly, so that we add joy, laughter or active love via our posts & not “salt in the wound”
Shelly says
Hi,
I’ve followed your blog for awhile but have been closely following since deployment. My husband is 16 years in and is often gone. I understand. Most days, you go through the day and can ignore the emptiness; however, the “important” days are the worst. When your best friend, your partner for life, is gone, it is hard. Good luck and best wishes.
MNKristy says
I can totally related and sympathize with this post. According to my husband, I have a totally inconvenient birthday. It’s Dec. 30th, which means it just passed a few days ago. And it was pretty much ignored by my family…the people that I live with and love the most. Oh, I think I got a happy birthday in the morning from my husband and elder son. But that was it. They both worked that day and then my husband worked out. He got home after 7pm, with the Qdoba that I told him to bring home. It was really crappy. Not a card or present or cake from anybody. And like you, I got message after message on FB. Happy, cheerful messages like “hope it’s a great day!” “Can’t wait to hear all about it.” “Hope Carl spoils you.” And each message was just like salt in the wound.
So all that is to say that I understand. It sucks. I hate that it is that way. And you have my sincerest wishes that the days ahead are better and more joyfilled. You are loved and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Toni Anderson says
I’m so sorry you had a crappy day- but I’m so glad someone else feels the same way. One year we are going to have to meet up on the 1st for a combined birthday celebration! 🙂
Katena says
Happy birthday I can totally relate to having no me time. Hang in there it will get easy.
Cathy @ Chief Family Officer says
I’m sorry you had a rough day, but Happy Birthday! Without the Commander around, I know it’s tough to get any “me” time, but I hope you are able to anyway. Hang in there!
Nancy says
You not ridiculous, you are normal! We grow up thinking birthdays should be special days, because our families make them so. And when adult life happens, we still hope for the specialness, just as we do on Christmas, or Easter, or a special anniversary. Deployment messes all that up…even if our loved ones want to make it a special day, they can’t give you what you really want, which isn’t just your husband for a day, but your husband home every day.
I’m older than you (you knew that), and I don’t think it’s the getting older part. It’s the half-of-me-is-missing-and-I-have-to-hold-up-the-world thing. And on a day that should be special for you, holding up the world by yourself is extra-hard. And that is totally okay.
Vicki is right…you do bless us all with your deployment diary. I could never do this…put my deployment/geobach life experiences out there for people to read, so I am grateful that you do. Your honesty helps people who don’t live the military life understand who we are and why we do what we do.
{{{cyberhugs}}} and more birthday wishes…this year’s birthday might not have been joy-filled, but God has promised us joy beyond measure, and I’m thinking that He’s paying attention to the sacrifices you are making right now…
Toni Anderson says
Thank you Nancy! We need to meet up for a glass of wine some time soon. 🙂
Nancy says
I’d love that. We miss you guys!
Nicole says
Happy Birthday, Toni. You know, today is my birthday too. I’ve been silently admiring your posts for a few years now. One thing I love is that you put yourself out there. Good, bad, ugly. You are real. And as a wife and mom, I treasure real people. I celebrate you today. Birthdays always suck for me. I have no reason to dislike them, but I always prefer the day after. I usually put a too much stock into having an amazing, effortless surprise, and find that it’s a struggle for my wonderful family to accommodate. I always feel guilty, like I expect too much and am being selfish….hmm. perhaps!
I applaude you, for carrying your family through this time. I thank your husband for serving our country. God has big plans for you. You affect more lives than you probably realize. Now, Happy Birthday! (to both of us.)
Nicole Schoux
Toni Anderson says
Thank you Nicole and Happy Belated Birthday! Hoping your day after is fabulous. 🙂
Vicki says
Happy Birthday, Toni! I’m sorry that your day was just a day. Your life is one that is celebrated in the lives of people all over the world (literally). Your time and efforts and vulnerability have encouraged women, mentored women, and inspired women everywhere–constantly. You have so many women who weep when you weep and laugh when you laugh and smile when you are just spot on with speaking whatever Truth God has put on your heart. YOU are Amazing, even if your day wasn’t. And we are so very, very grateful for who you are and would love to come along side you in cyber world and say Happy Birthday!! God has CERTAINLY had his hand on your life and continues to do so… I just re-read your post of “Our Story” over Christmas Break and it still leaves me speechless. God is Sovereign. He is Good. He LOVES you and your whole family. HE has done such a mighty work in YOUR heart, your life and in Commander’s Life and through you– your kids’ lives AND now… so many other women through your blog. You are SUCH a PRECIOUS TREASURE to me and I AM SO THANKFUL that God knit you together, formed you, and entrusted you to your specific parents so many years ago… (35 years ago, right? wink wink!!) We are rejoicing and celebrating YOU today!! Happy Birthday!!!