Our guest post today is from Ann Marie, an Army wife, who is currently stationed in Germany. A SAHM of 3 children under age 4, her hobbies (when she has time!) include blogging, photography, cooking, sewing, and gardening. You can find her at her writing at Thoughts and Musings of Ann Marie.
Deployments with small children
I am a relatively “new” military wife, in that we’ve only been married about 5 years… but you could call me a somewhat “seasoned” army wife, in that my husband has deployed to Iraq 3 times and we just had our third baby! For this article I will often be referring to my “soldier” and “daddy” being deployed – I do realize there are both men and women deployed in all the branches of our armed forces – it’s just for simplicities sake. 🙂
I am no expert when it comes to deployments… but I can share what we have done in our family to help our children cope with Daddy being away. One important lesson I have learned is that I have to take care of myself in order to care for our children – this doesn’t mean a daily facial and large portions of chocolate covered strawberries…. Getting enough rest, some sort of exercise routine, eating healthy, and spending time with other spouses are a few good suggestions. Once a week during this last deployment, I would put my two boys in daycare for 4 hours. This was MY time… I could run errands, catch up on household chores, or just take a hot bubble bath and paint my toes… As parents, we often put ourselves last on the list – but if you don’t keep refilling your cup, you can’t overflow into your children.
Infants (birth to 2yrs.)
While I was pregnant with our first child, I recorded my husband reading stories to my belly. While Daddy is deployed, I play it at bedtime – so our children fall asleep listening to him tell stories. I also saved some of his worn t-shirts, put them in freezer Ziploc bags, and periodically pull them out during the deployment so our children are familiar with his smell… (not stinky BO smell! but nice Daddy-Man smell!) I also have pictures everywhere… literally everywhere… I print 8×10 pictures with our printer, and hang them on the fridge, closet doors, and even sideways by the changing table… everywhere our little people spend time.
Young children (2-4yrs)
Sesame street has created a wonderful video series called “Talk, Listen, Connect” to help young children understand deployment. (They are free to download from their website.) The also have great suggestions for activities for while your soldier is deployed – print out calendars and make Xs on days until homecoming or talk to Daddy on the phone or via webcam if possible.
There are lots of different organizations such as Operation Hug-a-Hero and Dog Tags for Kids where you can order things to help your children stay connected with their deployed soldier. There are also many new children’s books about deployment that can help your child express some of what they are going through (search children deployment on amazon
and you’ll find a ton).
The internet is a good place to find information and resources to help you and your child cope with deployment. Here are a few good links I discovered while researching this post:
If you are a military family who has been through a deployment – What are the things that really helped you? What did you learn about your children? How did you stay connected?
Monica says
These are all great suggestions. We took advantage of many of these as well as using skype to talk via web cam when possible and having the kids talk to Daddy on the phone.
Sara says
I’m in the middle of this right now! No daddy, and 3 kids 4 and under with another on the way. My husband videotaped about 45 minutes of himself running around outside playing hide and seek with the kids. Sometimes while he was “hiding” he would turn the camera on himself and record little “I love you” messages. It’s hard to watch with all the running, but the kids love it. We also taped several bedtime stories and a couple of “pep talks” (please help mommy, be kind to your siblings…) so that when they stop obeying me I can let daddy handle it 🙂
Ann Marie says
What a wonderful idea! That was great planning to create a Daddy Video!
Erin says
In the past two years hubby has deployed twice and he leaves in 4 months (shortly after birth of baby #3) for a year long remote tour. I have found that while he is gone it is great to have pictures up everywhere. We also recorded some videos of him that the kids could watch on the computer. But the best thing we did was letting the kids stay up later about once a week so they could chat with daddy via webcam while I typed. He also sent the kids little gifts from overseas and would call periodically to talk to just them.
As difficult as deployments are we have found that making sure you spend lots of time together before he leaves and explaining it in terms kids can grasp really helps. But most of all….pray!
Ann Marie says
You are right! Quality time and good memories are great because you can refer back to them during tough times! And remembering to pray with your kids helps them have a voice too!
Bree says
I had a infant during our second year long deployment and we did the same thing with pictures at her eye level and recorded stories on video. We also got her her own “soldier daddy bear” from Build-A-Bear with his voice recorded in a chip in the arm of the bear. It is still a cherished item for both our daughters. It was still a hard reunion though… she did not know what to make of him when he came home. She was 1 1/2 when he came back and she was very leary, and jealous of him being around me. To this day she is still a major mama’s girl. It did get better though just had to have lots of patience and understanding.
Ann Marie says
Stranger anxiety is a challenge on its own – and much harder when it involves your returning family member! It’s wonderful to hear your success story! Thank you for sharing!
Stina says
I enjoyed this post. My husband is currently gone for 18mos. He had 6mos of school and then came home just in time for the 12mos deployment (we knew about this a year before so it wasn’t TOO much of a shocker). Our girls are 1 and 3 (bdays in Dec).
The 1 year old, of course, has been just fine. She knows who her Daddy is and is very enthusiastic about speaking with him via Skype and webcams…but she is a Mama’s girl for sure and it isn’t traumatizing. It’s just what she knows.
Our 3 year old HAS had a difficult time adjusting. About 5mos in, she started to have night terrors. It freaked me out at first…and it broke my heart…still does (although they are MUCH less frequent). It is impossible to explain this in a way they truly understand…but we have done the best we can and I think she is okay with what we’ve told her. She has acted out and been more of a handful when it comes to listening. Sometimes she will even blame it on the fact that she misses Daddy. I let her know that it is okay to miss Daddy but it is not okay to not listen to Mommy. Talking about it helps a LOT.
I purchased some Daddy-Dolls for them back at the beginning of the actual deployment part of this. Some days our eldest is not happy with Daddy being gone and want nothing to do with the doll…but most days, they both LOVE carrying them around and snuggle up with their dolls at bedtime.
Pictures are important. We have some up everywhere. It makes us all smile.
It is such the rejuvinator to have ‘me’ time. Not just after the kids go to bed…but to actually be able to get out and do things on my own. Every other Friday, a local church cares for the children from 9a-1p. I’ve been able to go to B&N and sit and read and to stores to look at jewelry (neither of which is possible to do for more than a few seconds with the girls). I refuse to clean or do chores. That time is strictly for me to do something fun. It really recharges me and I cherish it.
Wow. Sorry. That got long.
Thanks for your post, Ann!!! Very helpful!
Ann Marie says
“I refuse to clean or do chores.”
Good for you!! I struggled with this issue much of the deployment!
I loved your examples! You sound like you are doing a great job with your little ones! Those night terrors are such a challenge too (My little boy had them too!) Stay strong Stina!
TrenchMommy says
Great photos! I love the fall and the beautiful pics that it lends to!
Christian Mommy Writer says
I also put my son in a mother’s day out program. It helps me to get a much needed break. Following a schedule is very helpful for not only me, but my child as well.
Skype and Oovoo (free videoconferencing sites) have really helped as well. That way, I get to see my husband while deployed. My son also gets to sit in on some of the calls if it is not too late.