Connie is a Christian homeschooling mom of seven noisy kidlets, wife of one hunky golf pro, maker of aprons, teller of stories, wiper of noses. It’s a wonderful life! You can find her at her blog Smockity Frocks.
Several years ago, when we had moved for my husband’s new job and were expecting our fifth child, I found myself in a small town, away from friends and family.
We didn’t know anyone in town who homeshooled or had a large family. None of our new friends or acquaintances understood why we chose to live the way we did.
That’s about the time I discovered something called “blogs”. In a moment of loneliness, I had Googled “large family, homeschool” and stumbled upon Amy’s Humble Musings.
I was thrilled that I could read about the daily happenings of a lady who seemed just like me!
Christian? Check. Homeschooler? Check. Large family? Check. Republican? Check.
Soon, using the checklist I had formed, I found more “like minded” blogs and I felt like I had a little online community of friends who were just like me in every way.
What I didn’t realize, though, was my little community was making me a snob in my real life. Whenever I met someone new, I would go through the check list in my head, and they would undoubtedly fall short in one or more areas. I would mentally keep score and whine to my online community that “like minded friends” were SO hard to find.
This snobbery of mine was so insidious that I didn’t even realize it was happening. I just kept wondering why the internet was the only place I could find anyone to live up to my narrow standards.
It never crossed my mind that I was searching the entire world over and only coming up with a handful of people who could pass my checklist.
In the meantime, I kept holding real life friends at a distance. If they were Christians who had a large family, but didn’t homeschool, I didn’t think we had enough in common to really be this thing called “like minded” that I had elevated to a position of utmost importance.
If they were homeschooling Christians who only had two children, I would lament the fact that we were so… so… DIFFERENT.
Then, one day and a couple of children later, I started thinking about the fact that my grandmother only had three children. And she thinks homeschooling is, well, kinda kooky. And she is a DEMOCRAT!
And I still, like, LOVE HER a whole lot.
And she still loves me even though I’m kinda kooky and Republican.
That’s when I realized that I was missing out on a whole world of wonderful friendships because of my exclusive checklist.
I suddenly saw so many people around me who were different, but not really so different after all. Most moms I know want the best for their children. They may take a different approach than I do in the daily details, but we have the same desire.
Most people I know want the best for our country. Opinions vary, but mostly nobody wants us to destroy ourselves from within. Again, the same desire.
I found that I don’t have to agree with someone on every point to be a friend. I can celebrate our likenesses and let the rest go.
The world is a much friendlier place now that I use the internet, not as a way to exclude, but as a tool to gather information and communicate with others.
Kathy @ $30 Weekly Grocery Challenge says
Thank you for sharing that. It was just what I needed to hear and was truly a blessing. I am going to try “soap” this week.
kaykayel says
I don’t check any of those boxes either. Not Christian, am one of those oft-hated Muslims :). No kids yet, would love to homeschool though if I can, and am undecided on politics. But living in a foreign country for several years has taught me that although it is easy to feel bitter when someone discriminates against you for your headscarf or the colour of your skin, there are plenty of people out there with goodness in their hearts and similar values that we can have a wonderful time knowing and learning from one another. This blog has helped clear a few misconceptions I had about Christian, Republican families, so thank you very much 🙂 I realise we have share a lot of the same values after all.
Sheila says
This was a great post.
I’m more apt to follow the blogs of, etc., people who are like-minded (mental checklist), and my “real-life” friends are more varied. It’s easier to be friends with someone who’s “different” in person, because you get to know them personally. Blog-wise, though, I focus more on the specific commonalities.
Thanks for sharing!
jessielme says
Thanks for this honest and thoughtful guest post, Connie at Smockity Frocks and The Happy Housewife! I’m NONE of the things on this list! I’m one of those bloggers (and people) who don’t quite fit anywhere and I’m conctantly lamenting how I don’t quite fit with the christian / home school/ mommy bloggers, even though I share so many of the same interests and values.
I LOVED this post! I think many readers will take your post as an opportunity to look at the snobbiness or discrimination in their own lives when it comes to meeting new people. I think it’s a valuable lesson that we can be close friends with people who are not like us in every way.
Cheers!
Jessica
Kim says
So true … been there! It is so easy to find all the differences rather than acknowledge that the God of the universe has allowed these “different” folks to infiltrate my life (church, neighborhood, baseball team) for a reason. What blessings I would miss out on without those rich friendships with those who are living their lives differently from me. Blogs have become such a great source of encouragement for me since homeschooling but so have the friends who love me just like I am in real life 🙂 Thanks Connie!
Sonya says
I’m a proud democratic mom of 2 living in a VERY liberal country in the netherlands. I loved what you said though and it is very true. I tend to lean towards my online contacts but more so because I have a seriously hard time cracking the dutch womans way of life..lol
Wedny says
Happy to have found you…We both have 7.
Wendy
Jen@Balancing Beauty and Bedlam says
That was a great post…so true…but I am enjoying the comments just as much. 🙂
Charla @ Healthy Home Blog says
Great thoughts! We miss out on making friendships if we have a checklist.
Karen says
I never thought of doing that but now I am searching the web for other homeschooling, big families, democratic, Catholic moms….and nada so far. lol
Michele says
I miss on all four points! Christian? No! I’m Jewish. Homeschooler? No! I have one in public school ; one in private preschool, and one at home with me. Republican? No! Lifelong Democrat. Large family? No! I have 3 children. But I love my Christian, homeschooling, large-family, Republican bloggy friends! I have learned so much from them and how and why they do things a certain way. And I hope I can share why I do things my way. In the real world, if we all took the time to listen a bit more to others who are different than ourselves, we might realize we’re not so different afterall. Nice post!
jsprik@blog-diggidy says
great post toni and so true!! i feel like i am always setting the bar too high also!! i need to relax and realize that not everyone does everything exactly the way i do and that’s ok!! 🙂
Luke Holzmann says
It’s good to have both kinds of friends: The link-minded and the non-like-minded. Then we can be both encouraged and challenged. [smile]
~Luke
Janie says
I had a friend once who taught me so much about being a friend. Like you, I had narrowed my requirements to those people who fit my checklist. Dorothy would say “I know she is different, I like her anyway!”- and she did! I love the freedom to have friends who are different, and I really enjoy all these friends who offer so much diversity!
Liz@HoosierHomemade says
Great post Connie! Thanks for sharing it Toni!
~Liz
Phoebe @ Cents to Get Debt Free says
Oh the blog world is so amazing, isn’t it?!
We moved to a town where we knew no one, and I fell into this pit. These people were nothing like who I was, or who I wanted to be. I lost myself all over again. Somehow or another I stumbled upon “Blog World”, and I, too, have finally been able to connect with people who understand my craziness. But I sometimes have a hard time connecting to those around me because I *think* we are so different.
Thank you for the great reminder, Connie!
paula says
The honest truth so refreshing to see these days. I am a stay at home Mom of 3 who go to public school. We do not attend church ( only day off my hubby has) but have our believes as for political I am so undecided it is not funny so I stay out of it…my husband by they way is republican and in the Army. The world would be a boring place is we were all the same.
Hallee says
I LOVE this post. Thank you!
Michelle says
I loved this post. And that is coming from a non-homeschooling democrat mother of ONE! Thanks for posting!
Melinda says
This was a great blog post: refreshingly honest!
I am currently a mother of two who works outside the home. I am eager to stay at home with my kids and homeschool them, if possible. I am also liberal, and a Christian. I guess my point in saying all of that is that sometimes I feel isolated on different planes; I have dear friends who don’t understand my politics, my faith, or even why I’d want to homeschool.
I’ve found that the Internet has actually enabled me to connect to people who are different from me, because these are folks whom I wouldn’t ordinarily have the chance to meet and hang out with in person. In some ways, the Internet has broadened my friendship base, and my mind! Blogging has been great. I could probably spend all day reading about what other moms on here are doing. (If I weren’t so crazy busy, of course!)
That said, my in-person relationships are very important, and I have to remember that all of my friends need their time.
Thanks for your thoughts!
jolyn says
Wow! Great post! Gee, I am a Christian, current but possibly former Republican… (they’re all making me so mad right now)(I’m ready to declare myself INDEPENDENT) but I don’t homeschool and I only have three kids. How’d I do? 😉
Angie @ Many Little Blessings says
Fabulous post! I really like that I read a wide variety of blogs, but it would be really easy to find people that only have interests and lifestyles like your own and stick with them. Great things to think about!
Stacy says
This was an excellent post. I just found the blog world last year…I’ve very much enjoyed reading about what other people in the world are doing…but, I find myself not posting on many of them because I’ve felt like I wouldn’t live up to that type of checklist. Christian: Yes I am. But dh hasn’t set foot in a church for a couple of years… Homeschooler: Wanted to, but didn’t have the opportunity. Large family: Only 4..would love more but am a little over the hill… Republican: Nope. But pretty conservative Democrat. We are such an imperfect family. It’s hard not to compare yourself to the wonderful things that folks are doing in their families on these blogs, ya know? I was so happy to read about your marriage story…it wasn’t perfect! (not that I’m happy it wasn’t but I could relate…27 years of marriage and we hit some real valleys) Anyway, sorry to make such a long post…I guess it kind of hit a nerve. I just feel like it’s important that we reach out to people who are different than ourselves…Jesus certainly did that, didn’t He?
Leigh says
AWESOME post. A great reminder.
Ann says
Awesomely well said!
While it’s easy to get to the place where the internet provides so many of our connection needs, it really is important to maintain some real-life face-to-face connections, as well, even if our local friends wouldn’t perfectly fit into our online community “niche”.
As so many things, it’s all about balance. Thanks for the reminder!
Katey@CrazyHomeschoolMama says
WOW! Thanks for the smack….so true!