A question from Denise:
I have a son who is almost 3. He will begin preschool this fall. For the past few months he has been “strong willed”, er DIFFICULT is more like it. He is like this with ME only, and not his Dad. I am a SAHM and am with him the majority of the time. All I hear is that “he is going through a phase”. Well my sanity is out the window and my nerves are shot. So…..I am wondering if you’ve had this problem with any of your kids, particularly your boys, and if so how did you get through it?
Before I start let me give this disclaimer. I am a young mom, while I have 7 kids, my oldest is only 14. I have not finished the race, so to speak. I have made many, many mistakes. My children are not perfect. They disobey, and I am not always consistent. What I write are my opinions on what has worked or hasn’t worked for our family.
Your son is probably difficult with you and not dad because he is with you all the time. You are the one who creates and enforces all the rules.
When it comes to dealing with strong-willed children remember these four words.
Consistent, Correction, Compliment, Connection
Consistency- When you make a rule stick with it and do not keep changing the rules. Strong willed children need firm boundaries. I would also suggest that you keep the “rules” to a minimum. Say yes as much as you can. Try to decide if you are saying no out of convenience or because you are keeping your child safe, developing character, etc… If a child is allowed to get away with something ten times, and then disciplined for it on the eleventh time they child will continue to push the limits.
Correction- Create consequences for disobedience and apply them consistently every time. As a mom of a few strong willed children I will tell you this is the hardest part. You will spend a lot of time correcting your child. Persevere. The road is long, you will get tired of correcting. There will be days when that is all you do. Stay the course, it does work, but some child need more “help” in this area than others.
Compliment- Pay attention when they do something right, obey the first time, or show positive behavior. Let them know that you appreciate it when they do obey. I had one child who was (and can still be) particularly difficult. I try very hard to remember to praise him. I tell him what a good big brother he is, how strong he is when he carries in the groceries, what a good helper he is when he clears the table. These compliments always seem to help him work harder and continue with the positive behavior.
Connection- Children who are strong willed tend to be… well, frustrating. It is so important to show these children unconditional love. This does not mean there are not consequences for disobedience, what it means is that once the consequence has been applied the child is loved and hugged as if nothing ever happened. It is easy to physically pull away from these children, but they need a lot of hugs!
A few remaining thoughts. A child who is disobedient is disobedient. They might be tired, hungry, stressed, out of sorts, but these things don’t cause disobedience, they just allow what is already in their heart to rise to the surface. That being said, give your child as many opportunities as possible to obey. If you child becomes cranky after 7:30 pm do not make dinner reservations for the family at 8 pm. Put them to bed and get a sitter. Don’t load your child up on sugary foods and them expect them to sit still for a two hour piano recital. Create an environment that encourages obedience and does not set them up for failure.
As I said before I am not an expert, my kids are still young. So far, these techniques have worked for us. It is up to you and your husband to determine what will work best for your family.
Beth Buster says
I am also a mom of 7 children! Mine are 10 and under, and I have one extremely strong willed child, and 5 other very independent kids. I have to agree with what you’ve said. Especially the compliment. I have gotten so much further with my children after I have started making a conscience effort to be more positive and encouraging! Not to mention that it leads right into connecting with them. Thanks for the good read!
niki says
Wonderful! Bravo! Thanks.
This post was just what I needed to read this week.
🙂
Nancy M. says
I have one of these children, I am hoping the second one is easier, though it’s not looking like it right now. I do have problems with being consistent. I definitely need to work on this.
Sherry says
Great advice! Having a 13 y.o. girl and 10 y.o. boy I have found that what works for one might not work for the other. You have to find what consequence will work the best for certain things. I’ve taken away visual entertainment i.e. tv, computer, ps2 and other times it might be not getting to go do something with friends. Consistency and prayer is always key! 😀
L2L says
With a child that has a strong will it is ever important to ensure while you are “molding” their will you do not wound their spirit. The Lord has shown me and grown me greatly through my child with a strong will. My desire is to direct that strong will to things that are positive vice negative. I have found that making charts for what is expected, chores and also rewards and consequences alike. That way there is no arguing about it. I try to ensure my child knows exactly what is expected out of me. I lean more toward why is my child disobeying, getting to the heart of the matter. Is my child frustrated because he can not express himself? Are his actions solely because he is being defiant. I realistically evaluate my expectations and pray to see if they are too high after all these are our children who are learning and I want my child to know grace. When dealing with my child who has a strong will, God showed me early on that I wasn’t even upholding myself to the same standard of obedience with Him that I expected out of my child. I always encourage mothers to prayerfully seek guidance when dealing with each child, after all God is the one who gave each child life and also to each mother because he knew they would be the best mom that child could have and in that I have gained much confidence and also knowing that anything I mess up too bad God can always fix, lol.
Andrea says
That’s great advice. Thanks!
Anne-Marie says
Wait! You’re not perfect? Aw, man!
I find that the child I butt heads with the most, has a special connection with me…and it’s not just the connection of my hand against his rear.
What worked with my youngest who is extremely strong-willed…and I only tried it out of desperation and with a load of skepticism… was giving her two choices. “You can choose to sit in the naughty chair all night OR you can choose to get into your bed and go to sleep.” I just about fell out of bed when she choose to go to bed. Here we were in the heat of the battle and I threw out 2 choices and she actually chose one and didn’t argue with me. The war is far from over with this one as she continues to reorganize her battle plans, but I know the key to dealing with her is setting the limits and enforcing those limits by giving her two options to chose from.
Amanda says
Sorry for the book, BTW 🙂
Amanda says
Uh-oh, you all are making me quake with dread LOL! My second boy is SO easy-going and pleasant – he’s just 6 months, and now I’m making a mental note to be prepared if all that changes in a year or so 🙂
Thank you for the way you wrote this post. I really appreciated the alliteration – that does help with the memory (that’s all too fading these days, and I only have two so far!)
Any suggestions for a consequence with a toddler who has discovered that screaming indoors is funny? This just started last week, and we’ve been telling him to “use your inside voice” and stuff like that – but, as he’s discovered, we don’t have a consequence for it, so today in the grocery store, I spent the whole time telling him to please be quiet. I just tried to get through the store as quickly as possible! It made it obvious to me that we need to have a consequence for that behavior, but I was totally not sure what to do in the middle of the grocery store. Kinda hard to do “timeout”…especially when your cart is fully of perishables. (sigh)
Jennifer says
I really needed to read this. I have a child who is very difficult and I do find myself pulling away. It is so hard and I feel like a mean mom when I am correcting or disciplining all.day.long. I get so tired of it. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.
Leslie says
This is funny because my strong willed child was the best baby and toddler! I saw the change at 3 years old, which was soon after his brother was born.
I’m a preschool teacher, and I agree with the advice given here. Kids do need some sort of daily routine also. Whenever we deviate from our daily classroom schedule, I can always expect some resistance from a few of the kids. It’s just in their nature to need some daily structure.
Erica says
Carissa, that is interesting. I can’t remember exactly when it began to change with her. Maybe because I had another baby by the time she was 18 months old so I was in a brain fog lol
Amy says
As a mom with a strong-willed 5 year old, I think you have given excellent advice! I was especially encouraged to read your paragraph on being careful to give unconditional love to the kids that challenge us most.
Saying ‘yes’ more has been helpful to me too. Great post!
Carissa says
And spelled the same way I see. 🙂 It’s wonderful having such a unique name although I do see it more now than I did as a girl.
Tammy says
My daughters name is Carissa!!! I know totally off topic.
Carissa says
Just a reply to Erica – my strong willed son was also my “easy going” baby. He rarely cried and was content most of the time. That all changed around 15 – 18 months. Very interesting.
Carissa says
Your connection comment really struck me. My oldest is definitely strong willed and it’s something we’ve struggled with over the years. I love all of my boys, but it is definitely harder to feel that connection when you spend so much of your time feeling frustrated. It’s something I really need to work on so thank you for that gentle reminder. 🙂
Erica says
I have a 3 year old daughter that fits into this category. She is also my second child out of four. It surprises me because she was the most laid back and pleasant baby. I didn’t not expect her to be so difficult. I enjoyed your post about this. I have read many books along these lines, now I just need to apply what I read. It’s so easy to want to pull back from a child that fights you tooth and nail. I just had a baby 2 months ago so it’s been hard having enough energy and patience to deal with this problem.
Tammy says
Hi,I’m new to your blog and enjoyed reading some of your post.
I’m also a mother of 2 teenage sons,my oldest being 16. He was a very trying child but I have some good news there is a light at the end of what may seem like a dark and dreary tunnel.
What worked and still works for us is alot like what you wrote in your response.
We set and do set boundaries for our children. We show them love and talk openly with them.
That is now.
When he was younger it was tougher. He was difficult to say the least. Being concistant is a huge part of making this work for you,showing him love and acceptance is vital but also is setting limits. It’s very difficult but I promise that these times will pass.
My son is a great young man and I’m so proud of him!
Courtney @ Sister To Sister says
Great, great advice! Thank you!
I really needed the connection part! I feel myself pull away sometimes and need to be more aware of that!
Denise says
THANK YOU!!!
I am currently in the process of setting up some family rules, the biggest one being, for my son not to push his sister down for no reason. It actually sunk in, and today after he pushed her down, he went and sat in time out ALL ON HIS OWN!!!
I appreciate your post today, once again you have managed to inspire me, and make me smile! 🙂