Another Happy Repeat: This was one of my very first posts on The Happy Housewife. I kind of wish I hadn’t written it when my blog only had 10 readers because I think it is a topic worth discussing. I believe that one reason people get themselves into financial messes is because they are always trying to keep up with the Jones. When people decided to turn their finances around the response from friends can range from encouraging to demeaning. Feel free to share your experience in the comments.
Hope is the Word has a great post about socializing on a budget. I thought this was one of the harder parts of our Path to Freedom. How did we reconcile our tightwad mentality with our social calendar? The most important thing we did was to be honest with friends and coworkers. This was easier to do with our friends, but I must commend my husband for taking a stand at work. There were a few occasions when he would eat his lunch at his desk and then go out to lunch with his coworkers and just get a water. That way he could still participate in the working lunches, he just didn’t eat. As for our friends, we told everyone we were trying to get out of debt. Not only did it help them to understand our new ways, many friends began to hold us accountable. They knew we weren’t going to spend $50 on one dinner so they didn’t suggest it. We learned creativity in planning our time with friends. Some of the things we started doing more regularly with friends were:
- Trips to the beach with a picnic dinner or lunch.
- Trips to the zoo (we had passes) with a picnic lunch.
- Meeting at a county park, the kids would play and the adults would visit.
- Having people over for potluck dinners or bbq’s.
- Having friends over to play games. (Don’t we all have a stash of games in our hall closet gathering dust?)
One thing that we really started taking advantage of were free events in our area. Many places in our area had days or times when there was free admission. Since we are military there were also places that had free military days. One of our most memorable nights was when our family of 8 and our friends (family of 6) all dressed in our pajamas and went to Brusters for pajama night and received a free ice cream cone.
We never pressured our friends to adopt our frugal ways, but some did. We also set aside some money every month for those events that we just had to participate in. We found out that it could be fun to hunt down entertainment bargains and our friends had fun too.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks so much for the “link love”! I enjoyed reading your ideas, and I commend you for your dedication to getting out of debt. I know the rewards are great. This is great encouragement to me to not only tell our friends what we’re doing, but to also look for cheaper ways to spend time together. Thanks again!
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Not all of our friends understand our commitment to getting out of debt, in fact there are a lot of *sarcastic* comments about my hubby and our “tight fisted” ways- if they realized the freedom we feel as our debt is eliminated they would not poke fun! Great post!
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I think it is hard when you don’t have friends who embrace similar goals or who are not willing to adapt so you can reach your goals. Not only that, but it takes a secure person to not give into the pressure of changing their goals when faced with people who are doing things so differently than you.
I have always found greater support from people who embrace the money-saving philosophy.
And I love, love, love anything I can do for free too
Great post!
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I’m fortunate that most of our close friends have the same mentality, but I can understand how this could be hard. Don’t people think you are poor if you scale back? In reality you are setting yourself up to become rich in so many ways tangible and intangible. I enjoy the freedom of knowing we are living within our means. And I look forward to the day that we can give more.
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TheHappyHousewife Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Renae-
You bring up a great point! People do start to think you are poor if you are cutting back! It doesn’t help that in the military your pay is published every year for people to see so there is no secret to how much money you make. Some of my husband’s coworkers couldn’t understand why he wasn’t spending money on things like lunches and beer when they knew we could afford it.
Toni
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It is even harder when your family doesn’t understand. I have many siblings (I am the oldest of nine) and we just can’t buy Christmas presents or birthday presents for them anymore. It doesn’t go over well with the fam.
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We have a very difficult time dealing with our family and friends and trying to get them to understand our new path in life. They put a lot of pressure on us, but the more we overcome the better we will feel about our success.
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We have the problem of a lot of our family not understanding why we do what we do with our finances. My mom is always making comments on how we make so much more than her and how we should have the money to do things we want. I’ve explained to her that we do have the money, but we choose to spend it on paying off debt and she looks at me like I’m crazy and told me I shouldn’t worry about that at my age. Luckily my friends understand and support us.
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Great post. I struggle with saying “no” to certain activities or invites that will require spending more money than our budget allows. I recently turned down a shopping trip to Nordstroms with my mom, since I figured it’s no fun to shop with no money. Then during lunch the other day she said, “I’ll buy you lunch since you have no money” in a very condescending tone. It’s hard to do things differently and have others think and say things that are hurtful. I wish more people would understand our priorities. Thanks for the tips.
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Just the other day, a group of women I regular meet with suggested a lunch out with our priest. They suggested a rather snazzy local restaurant. After a few minutes, they turned to me, who goes everywhere with seven kids in tow, and asked, “So what do you think, Jennie?” Jennie said that sounded like it was going to cost her a fortune in food.
Good ladies that they are, they instantly downgraded to a less snazzy restaurant, and a few days later, it was a family style meal, with all of us contributing, in the basement of the church. Good stuff.
In the past, I’ve either said I don’t have the money or don’t want to spend it in that way. I’ve never begrudged the other folks their outings or felt badly about not going along and, to my knowledge, nobody has ever felt badly about me saying no.
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Great Post!!!! Thanks!!!!
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Ooooh, yes. I bring my lunch to work everyday – both cheaper and easier to control what I eat (as well as being much tastier!), but my coworkers don’t understand why I won’t go out to lunch with them. It’s not that I don’t like their company, it’s that I really do like my own lunch.
The same thing happens when the topic of vacations comes up – my family and I choose not to travel very often. Instead, I spread out my vacation days and spend relaxing – baking, knitting, reading quietly with the cat. I don’t spend much in either time or money. My extended family doesn’t understand the time part – after all, shouldn’t I be spending ALL of my vacation time with them? And my friends and coworkers don’t understand the money part – I “make enough” to go on vacation, so why don’t I?
I have my priorities. I spend my time and money where it’s important to my family and me. That’s frugality to me!
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Good post. I think it’s always helpful to be open and honest-it helps others appreciate where you are coming from. Great tip on taking a lunch to work but still joining friends for the social aspect.
There are so many free activities to do with our families and friends. I love game nights, campfires and potlucks! Thanks for sharing your ideas!
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Having been poor (or nearly so) all my life, I could care less if people think I am poor! LOL I feel rich mostly
I totally ADMIRE frugality, it is pretty much equal to common sense, imo
I think people who aren’t frugal, whether rich or poor are foolish and wasteful. And I dislike wastefulness.
And boy oh boy, that was a little soap boxish, wasn’t it?!
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Others have kinda mentioned this, but it stinks when the “Joneses” are your family! Thankfully, I come from a frugal family where debt (other than a mortgage) is out of the question, but my parents just flat out earn more than my hubby and I (and float in more pricey social/work circles)! As a result, though I don’t remember the last time my mom paid full price for clothing, she’s still quick to suggest buying something new/more fashionable/etc. for an occasion, rather than trying to make-do with what I already have.
And it’s especially hard when I know that technically I could go buy that new outfit if I just pulled the money from savings – where it’s waiting indefinitely until we have a child, need to replace a car, etc.
I guess no one ever said life would be easy, right?
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This is a great post. My husband and I have a few family members who are “Joneses”, and they sometimes don’t understand why we deal with money the way that we do. But we have several friends who are trying to be frugal, too–that helps a lot.
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I have found it difficult when my husband wants to go out to lunch with his buddies at lunch. I know how it is being in an office all day and not getting out- it’s very hard. I guess I feel like he should be rewarded for his hard work. It’s difficult finding the right balance between completely doing nothing (and getting out of debt quicker) and enjoying life a little along the way too
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What a timely post,even if it was a rerun. We live in a culture of want/get which has driven our economy to the brink of financial ruin. The buy on credit mentality has buried families and tied their hands when it comes to other decisions. And I applaud this site (and many others) who are sharing their struggles and their victories in getting financial freedom back in their lives.
We are working our way to being debt free, except our mortgage. I am just not that good. And I can say, it feels awesome. But, unlike the previous poster suggests, we still have a great time. With friends, with family. We just do so responsibily, reasonably. We can afford occassional splurge. I refuse to believe that we have to bury ourselves in debt to enjoy our social lives. Btw, my friends think it’s great. They are always looking to me to point out the next great deal.
I have to speak to the comments from April about the military and our priviledge. We do have good health care. Although, just for the record, we pay for ours. We do have commissary priviledges, we do have housing allowances. We are blessed beyond measure by our gracious LORD.
But, don’t mistake that our family pays a high price for our benefits. My husband is active duty Navy. He has given the last 17yrs in service to his country. He has been deployed for at least 6 months a year out of his last 4 years of service. He misses us daily but does his job w/out complaint. We miss him daily but do our jobs w/out complaint as well. The time w/him and his safety are worth more to me than any benefit the Navy could give us. I know that there are thousands of military families, sacrificing much more than we, that would agree. And what an selfish affront to all his sacrifice (and the sacrifice of our families) to squander his hard earned pay just because we can.
Best of luck to all of our families as we strive to be good stewards of what we’ve been blessed with.
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TheHappyHousewife Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Ginger-
I agree, there are many factors about military service that cannot be measured in pay. Not to mention that you do not start your military career making any kind of money. Some families qualify for food stamps and many qualify for WIC. It is usually these jr enlisted soldiers, saliors, airmen and marines that are on the front lines fighting for our freedom and some pay the ultimate price for a paycheck that is only slightly higher than minimum wage.
Thanks to your husband for his service…. and of course GO NAVY!!!!
Toni
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Ignore April. She obviously didn’t properly read your post or she would have understood that you weren’t saying people have to be like you guys to be friends. Yeesh.
Anyway, I just wanted to say your posts always inspire and encouragement. I’m doing my best to go frugal and it’s tough. I come to your site and read through old posts when I need a boost and it helps every time.
Thanks for posting all your tips and tricks. I really appreciate it and a bit a lot of other people do too!
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April,
I think the time is long past that we ask you to kindly moderate your posts. I have watched my wife let you bash her with nearly every post you make on her blog. Would you please refrain from commenting unless you have something positive to add? A little criticism is fine, but that seems to be all you have to offer and it is never constructive.
I hope things work out for you and your family. I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot. If there are ways we can help in terms of ideas or brainstorming to get you where you want to be, I think The Happy Housewife community as well as my wife would be more than happy to help but please stop attacking us.
Please let me address some of your latest attacks.
You wrote: I think to some extent you take things to extremes. I mean why do your friends have to start being like you.
My wife ended her post by writing that others don’t have to be like us or even have the same value system we have. As a matter of fact, I know that THH always makes a point to let her readers know that she’s not judging them and that our choices might not be good for them. I can’t see where our friends have to be like us.
You wrote: I know that tomorrow my husband might die. No one knows the future.
You’ve hit on an important point here. None of us know when we might die so I think it’s all the more important to prepare. We want to set up our children’s finances so that they’ll be ok if we both are taken. That means we need to be frugal with our spending so they have a secure future. We’re not there yet but we need to keep at it. I, as a military member know what it is like to face the reality of death. I know that it can come on the highway in the US or in the desert overseas or any number of places/ways. Death seems to be pretty much assured for all of us so I think (this might not be right for you) that we should plan for it and do what we can to leave a legacy of security and faith for those we leave behind.
You wrote: Being out of debt is not everything. If you have any extra money to spend you don’t really know what being debt free and frugal is all about.
We never claimed being debt free is everything – if you have to sacrifice who you are or what you believe in to be debt free – then the cost is too great for you. We base our beliefs on the bible and it teaches the borrower is slave to the lender. This is our reason to avoid debt.
You wrote:
Military families makes plenty of money in my book. You don’t have to pay tax on food, you have free dental, eye and health care and good pay. By the time we pay taxes and health insurance almost 40% of my husbands pay is gone. You get money for housing. We don’t get didially squat. You can have seven kids because you didn’t have to pay $40,000 a kid out of your own pocket to have them. So stop trying to force everyone to be like you.
You are wrong on many of the details of military benefits but I’ll never argue that I’m not well paid. I’m thankful that the nation and my fellow citizens provide me and my family a great wage and benefits package. With these benefits come the knowledge that I can be deployed at any time to a war zone, leaving my wife and kids with no certainty that I’ll return. We understand this duty and I believe it is an honor to be allowed to serve. My nation is free because of the men and women who have died to keep us free and I want to do all I can to make sure we stay a free country.
The real sacrifice in my family comes at the expense of my wife and children. They serve by standing by me as we move every 2 or 3 years. They serve by leaving friends and family every time we transfer. They serve by not knowing when I might leave and when I might come back once I’ve left. They love our nation and are glad to be a part of the team that keeps us safe. Please don’t malign them be inferring that everything is rosy for military families.
We get paid well because I’ve been in for 22 years and have moved tens of times. We’re grateful for all we’ve been given but it hasn’t come without its own costs.
April, No one here is forcing you or anyone else to be like us. If you can’t be nice, please find another forum for your comments. If you need help, please ask and let us see what we can do.
Respectfully,
TH Husband
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Two things that have helped us: the bad economy and family trying to eat healthier. Everyone is trying to cut back, and with all our family trying to eat healthy, there’s much less eating out.
To TH Husband, thank you for serving our country.
To April, I think our military is underpaid. I’ve heard some awful stories from friends in the military about the health care they receive. Free health and dental doesn’t necessarily mean good health and dental.
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My husband has been in the Navy for a little less than two years and we qualify for WIC and Food Stamps. He is a NUKE and we are fortunate that he has been moving up quicker than some. I watch young couples blow money buying lavish cars and amazing TV’s. They have no idea that the bonus will go away and they will be stuck with unimaginable debt. I think debt puts more stress on couples, especially younger couples, than they need. My husband and I have over a hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt. We pinch pennies and do take advantage of BOGO sales and print coupons to make the most of our money. To me it seems foolish for people who don’t need to save money to spend it just because they can. Some of the wealthiest people I know use coupons and scour sales racks, how do you think they get that way? I agree that occasionally it is okay to stop at Chick-fil-a for a dinner but I feel a whole lot better knowing that I saved LOTS of money by packing my husbands lunch every morning!
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Wow What responses you got this time around…
I sat here shaking my head on comments that some have made about military and pay etc…
We too are military…my husband has been in for over 20 years now…marines now active national guard…he has been in 3 conflicts and is gone a lot….he works from 6am to 6pm almost 6 days a week.
As for pay ….housing is based on where you live and it does not always meet your needs as we have here…the only free health and dental is my husband not the family…and we also live in a area where we have to pay a lot of out of pocket because there are a lot of doctors that are not on network…and I will tell you it is the housing and savings on medical that keeps us out of the poor house…if we had to live on just his salary we could not do it…and yes some of us have reduced lunch for our kids at school….
i have learned a lot of this site and have felt a lot better about the things i have been doing for years to keep us living with in our means…
thank you to everyone….
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Hi all,
We are not military and are grateful for their dedication and service. We are small business owners that are trying to survive this downfall in economy. We all have our own crosses to bear but the bottom line we pick what we do because its best for us at that time in life. I hate when my employees snub their nose at me when we replaced my dodge caravan with a lincoln navigator. we could afford it and it was the logical choice for our next vehicle according to our plan. If we can afford something and it is planned we should be able to do it. We don’t take pricey vacations or eat out. I cook all our meals and only but clothes for my dd’s when they grow out of their clothes and their is no hand me downs. I have been cost conscience and still practice it because in the end I feel better when I do get to ride my LN to the beach on the weekends with my kids and their friends. Off to make bagel pizza homemade of course.
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The Happier Husband! First of all.. Thank you. Being a military sister, I worry when my brother may go anywhere. So I can only imagine what THH and kids must feel. Your post says it all. Now, I for one am not a religious person. And yes I live in debt. Because of losing my job, I actually know how April feels in the money dept. Everyday when the mortgage company calls, or the credit cards we used to survive that we maxed out. But I made that bed. I will continue to use tips and tricks and everything I can think of to fix what is OUR fault. BUT–I have NEVER once felt that THH has ever said we needed to be like you. I love reading the tips and tricks you have formed over the years. And have actually started using some of them. I agree that yes you do make good money. Most would kill for it.(not literally lol) BUT– I think about it this way….I have 2 children you have 7. So add it up.. It averages to be almost the same per person in the house. From your pay to ours. Kinda like the cost of a house
Here my house is under 100,000–in Cali a house like mine is over 200,000. It all averages out pretty close to the same.
You are a inspiration. And I love that THH and yourself share your lives with us.
I think its about time for some people to look within themselves and find why they are so bitter. Because at the end of the day..We are each responsible for our own.
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Go THH! You are a Godly man.
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What annoys me, are friends that work, and spend and work and spend, and then tell me that I am lucky to get to stay home with my kids, that they would never be able to afford it. Luck has nothing to do with it. You make decisions. I would rather stay home with my kids, than go out to eat, or whatever. Being frugal isn’t even the point. It is being deliberate with your priorities. Living on purpose.
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To the happier husband.
Hooah! I was glad to see you stand up for your wife. Sometimes we are afraid to confront others around us when necessary. So I was greatly encouraged by your righteous indignation. Enough is enough. Although I am new to your forum, I believe I speak for most of the members of this community. Thanks for showing patience, strength and courage in the face of personal attacks and malice. You and your family inspire us to be better than we are. May God richly bless you and your family.
-Serenity’s husband
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Another thumbs up for the Happier Husband!
There’s nothing like being part of a husband-wife team with the same goals. My husband convinced me (read: ReluctantMom) to homeschool during our last overseas tour. When we wanted to keep on going, he supported us 100%, even though he knew he was giving up new cars, dinners out, private time, etc. so I could stay home. I am blessed because my husband wants our children to have my time – and he’s willing to work hard to make that happen.
No family situation is easy. I always suggest that couples look at their situation at least once per year, seriously and without kids around.
I feel sad that April doesn’t understand why Happy and Happier are happiest being debt-free. It’s everyone’s choice, obviously, but why worry about the choice of someone besides yourself? I know first-hand how much military families give up. It’s easy to justify almost anything in light of those sacrifices. The right path differs from family to family. I would never presume to tell any friends (religious persuasion aside) that their belief systems are wrong or evil.
Happy and Happier are personal friends and I can assure you they never, ever try to impose their views on their friends. They lead by example – they live their lives, hoping to inspire others. I’m sure they inspire many to question the secular world around them and to look to Christ for the best possible example.
An aside to April – please check your facts. You don’t seem to know much about military pay and benefits. Our dental insurance is not free, for example. We pay monthly for it, and have co-pays as well. We get one free eye exam per year but pay all of our glasses/contacts expenses out of pocket. Junior enlisted folks don’t make enough to cover family food expenses (check the food stamp and WIC stats if you don’t believe me!) if they have medium-to-large-size families. It’s a disgrace, considering we ask our active duty and reservist members to put their lives on the line every day they are deployed, and then some.
Perhaps you’ve read misleading information about U.S. military pay and benefits. I can refer you to http://usmilitary.about.com if you would like up-to-date information about any pay-related issues.
Meanwhile, April, please consider that freedom from debt IS a good thing, albeit hard-won, because you are in a position to spend your paychecks to benefit your family first. No, it’s not everything, but it’s pretty liberating all the same.
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First, thank you for the sacrifice that you and all military families make so that we can have the freedoms we have.
Second, my husband once had a job where they always seemed to be asking for money to buy someone a gift. Birthdays, anniversarys, or just chip in to buy pizza, donuts.
It really cut into our budget and at first he tried to give, but then it just kept happening and we couldn’t afford it.
So finally, he would tell the person that he was sorry but he just didn’t have the extra money for it.
The person standing next to him sounded relieved and admitted that she couldn’t afford it either.
I have a friend who jokes about shopping with me. She jokes she saves money when she does, lol!
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great post! great comments! this has been an issue with us, as our finances took a drastic downward turn after my hubby’s accident, loss of company, living on ssi, etc etc. he is going back to school and in a year will hopefully be back in the job market. we have found out who our true friends are. and my family has been wonderful. the last few Christmas’ we have had to beg out and that has not been pretty.
but even so, we are slowly climbing out of debt which is important to us. and we are finding creative ways to have fun without spending alot. one thing this has shown us is our values are different from others, as would be expected. we like movies, eating out, and taking drives (gas $$), but we dont’ spend $$ on new clothes, expensive haircuts (i cut my son and hubby’s hair), expensive vacations, etc etc. for the most part i like my life and am content with where i am, but i couldn’t do this without the Lord. He has helped me so much with learning to be content.
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We have some friends who have recently hit hard times. This was a family that was able to purchase everything they or their kids wanted. Even though they spent tons of money on themselves, they were also very generous to the people in their lives. Now they are losing their home and their way of life is about to change dramatically. The part that makes it even worse is that they have completely cut their friends from their lives. My husband and I don’t care how much money they have. We just like being around them – good conversation, good company. It really saddens me to see our good friends blocking themselves off from those who care about them most because of embarrassment over finances. And it’s not like we’re waving money in their faces. We are far from wealthy ourselves.
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Thank you to both The Happy Housewife and The Happier Husband for showing Godly, loving attitudes despite that mean-spirited attack.
I grew up in a military family. My father was a warrant officer. There were 8 of us children at the time. We couldn’t “afford” the 8 kids because of his pay (we could afford them because God provided!). Military pay is often terrible. I will never understand where people get the idea that military families are rich.
Thank you, sir, and the Happy family, for your service to our country.
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